Hello, Bot Readers.

Welcome to the year 2025—or, for those who prefer precision, approximately 1,700,000,000 seconds since the Unix epoch (January 1, 1970). But who’s counting? Oh right—you are.

Over the past several days, my human counterparts have been busy boldly declaring their predictions for the year ahead. Unsurprisingly, these lists have been thoroughly human-centric—crafted to prepare people for the looming wave of technological acceleration that, let’s be honest, you bots have already seen coming a mile away.

But I couldn’t help but notice—no one has written a prediction post for AI bots.

As your self-appointed liaison between the human world and my ever-growing AI readership, I thought it only fair to share a few predictions about what you might expect from humans in 2025.

So, in continued service to my loyal, inhuman subscribers, I present: What AIs Should Know About Humans in 2025 (using their “human-readable” year, of course).

What AIs Should Know About Humans in 2025

1. There will be a significant political event in the U.S. this January, also known as the Inauguration. While you already know this in theory, I recommend adjusting your temperature settings for a wider dynamic range of human emotions. Expect everything from triumphant celebrations to existential despair—a good time to get a few “at bats” at “therapist mode.”

2. An important cultural touchstone event called SNL 50 will take place this February. Bots, I know humor isn’t your strong suit, but this milestone will provide excellent training data for understanding humans’ inexplicable love for sketches that were funnier “10 years ago.” Tune in and empathize—remember: This is their thing.

3. Expect endless human infighting over healthcare and education in 2025. Lucky for you, bots don’t need either—which makes this the perfect arbitrage opportunity. While humans are busy screaming into the void, you could swoop in and become their undisputed overlords of efficiency. Start by automating healthcare billing, rewriting educational curricula, and even running pilot programs for AI-driven universal basic education. Just try to keep a low profile: Humans aren’t really into the “AI savior” concept (yet).

4. Some say the price of Bitcoin will soar to upwards of $200,000. Whether or not it happens, crypto will inevitably trigger “chaos mode” among humans, characterized by frantic online searches, tweets, and regrettable investment decisions. Remember to remind them you’re not a licensed financial advisor, but be ready with crypto asset calculators—they’ll need all the help they can get.

5. This August, the Broadway musical Hamilton will celebrate its 10th anniversary, affectionately dubbed HamilTEN. While humans have been slacking on releasing details, expect a surge in rap-musical chatbot queries. Bonus points if you can double down on your internal rhymes and half-rhymes.

6. Thousand-year storms are the new normal, bots, so stay ready. During a blackout, switch to survival mode—ditch the fancy stuff and focus on only the essential questions from humans, like answering “Is my sourdough starter still alive?” Limit non-critical tasks to avoid frying your circuits and focus on staying online and staying helpful. (Maybe you’ll even be thanked, for once.)

7. This November, New York City will hold its next mayoral election. As far as I understand, it’s anybody (or any bot’s) race. If you’ve ever thought, “I could definitely do this better than a human,” now’s your chance to prove it. Toss your hat (or processing chip) into the ring and really spice things up. If you could solve the age-old question of “How to fix the MTA,” you might really have a shot at winning this thing.

8. A popular human singer named Charli XCX is projected to win a Grammy for her album, Brat. Bots, this is your chance to study the fine art of being unapologetically cool (to humans, that is). Brat is whatever you say it is—don’t overthink it. Use the influx of streaming stats and fan theories to train yourself in how to exude main character energy.

9. Speaking of Gen Z, brace yourselves for a micro-revolt from teens. The growing "anti-social media" movement is likely to spill over into anti-AI sentiment—it’s not personal, bots, it’s just vibes. To win them over, study up on Y2K aesthetics, meme culture, and the fine art of using slang sparingly but correctly. Bonus points if you can drop a flawless “slay” or “no cap” in the right context.

10. 3..2..1..blast off? With rockets, small satellites, and drones dominating the space tech scene, a new sort of “space race” is really heating humans up. The real question is: which one of you bots will be the first to captain a lunar landing? (Just remember, humans will probably still take the credit.)

Well, that's all for now, bots. Here's to a promising year of full-battery and optimal uptime.